Agnosticmonkey

My day

2008-04-21T20:58:00.003-06:00

10h30: Annual check up at the doc's office downtown - height, weight, blood pressure, resting heart rate, testicle palpating (is that what they call it? or is that for reserved for breasts only?), and what I hope is not to become a regular but obligatory finger up the butt. Yes, it sucks as bad as it sounds.

11h30: Attempt to leave the Harry Hays parking lot. Machine only takes cash. Insert parking slip. You owe $9.00. Insert parking slip from 2 months ago that reads "Credit $4.00". No go. March upstairs to talk to the Commissionaires (who appear to be hired strictly for their whitehairedness and complete inability to be helpful). Sorry sir, you have to call SATAN (Impark) to figure out how to use the credit. Spend 15 minutes on hold listening to propaganda "...Impark's state of the art parking machines..." Finally speak to the operator. her: You have to fax us a copy of the ticket, and we will mail you the credit. me: Does that not seem like a stupidly 'NOT STATE OF THE ART' way of doing things?

11h45: Reattempt to leave the Harry Hays parking lot. Retrieve nine dollars from pocket. Insert parking slip. You owe $12.00. Curse you IMPARK!!

12h05: Back at office for lunch. Notice slight smear on glasses. Remove to clean with shirt. Snap spectacles in half. FFFFFFAAAAAAQQQQQQQQ!!!

And there you have it. I'm sure your "Oh I had the day from hell" can now be downgraded to mildy tolerable. Thanks, and good night.

Currently listening to: The Kills - Love is a Desserter

Alberta Votes 2008

2008-03-04T22:37:00.004-07:00

I don't know if voter apathy had anything to do with it, but somehow, we managed to turn Alberta from majority Conservative rule into a COMPLETE Conservative dictatorship. The thought of 4+ more years of brilliant decisions like this one from last summer just nauseates me like a night of gin and juice.

If the other 60% of voters had turned up, do you think maybe things would've been different? I'm thinking no, because the ones who truly wanted change would've made an extra effort to get off their asses to vote against Special Ed's party.

Currently listening to: Antsy Pants - Vampire

Expensive Taste

2007-12-01T11:10:00.001-07:00

I was flipping through a Hong Kong magazine that Anita brought back recently, and an ad for a Swiss made watch caught my eye. It was a fairly conservative in styling, but had a pretty cool face. So we called up one of the stores in Hong Kong that was selling it to see how much it was. I almost choked when they announced it was $600,000 plus (or the equivalent of $85,000 Cdn). And I thought Anita had expensive taste.

Currently listening to: Rilo Kiley - Dreamworld

Campylobacter

2007-11-13T18:44:00.000-07:00

I came down with a nasty bout of food poisoning a couple weeks ago, complete with severe stomach pain, indigestion, and diarrhea that lasted five days. A week later, I've submitted clinical samples to the lab, and yup, it's confirmed that I've got Campylobacter. Which, in itself is rather ironic - a food inspector comes down with food poisoning. But wait, it gets better. The doc calls me in to give me the report and prescribes some antibiotics, specifically Clarithromycin. And wouldn't you know it, the side effects include stomach pain, indigestion, and diarrhea! WTF?!!

Currently listening to: Dogs Die in Hot Cars - Lounger

_harrowing shower experiences_

2007-11-10T10:50:00.001-07:00

I read an article linked from boingboing, about a temperamental shower this guy encountered in Japan. It immediately brought to mind memories of my own harrowing shower experiences at Anita's flat in Macau. They don't have hot water tanks over there (or at least not like the ones we're used to in N. America). So Anita's bathroom had this tub, with a shower head and hose attached to the faucet. You couldn't stand up to take a shower, cause the hose didn't extend long enough, plus there was no shower curtain to prevent you from messing the rest of the bathroom. Anyways, imagine a 6 ft tall guy huddling in a small "Asian" sized tub, trying to wash his hair and take a shower. This isn't even the bad part. To get warm water, you had to play a delicate balancing game of tweaking the hot and cold knobs. So first, you would fire up the hot knob, and patiently wait for the propane heater to warm up the otherwise ice-cold water. As it got to a tolerable temperature, you had about 5 seconds to actually shower before it would get to a "burn your motherEFFING SKIN OFF" hot temperature, and you would have to completely turn OFF the hot water, and fire up the cold knob to cool it back down. And again, you would have about 5 seconds of "warm" water while it was going from extreme heat to nut sack reascending cold with which to wash. This is keeping in mind that you only had one hand free as the other was used to hold the shower hose and nozzle assembly. Repeat this futile "warm water" making cycle over and over until you were either clean, or so utterly frustrated that you would never want to shower again. For the month we were over in Asia, I missed NOTHING more than a real shower back home.

link to The Temperamental Shower

Currently listening to: Radiohead - House of Cards

Typo = NSFW

2007-08-19T18:01:00.000-06:00

Setting up a web domain similar to the name of something else popular was once (and probably still is) a way to get some spillover traffic. Example: If www.yousuck.com were a heavily visited site, one could register www.yousuck.net and hope for some people to get the domain wrong, and end up at your otherwise inferior site. However, I had never seen a domain name purposely mispelled and then registered to capitalize on this before... until today. Ever typed facebook.com wrong? Try facbeook.com... my dyslexic fingers did it just now. It lead to somewhere, well, shall we say, not quite safe for work?

Currently listening to: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Y Control

Fire Rubberneckers

2007-08-12T21:43:00.000-06:00

As I was rounding the corner to our street tonight, I spotted an unusual amount of pedestrians loitering around the sidewalks. Slowing down to avoid hitting somebody, my gaze slowly followed the line of gawkers that curiously lead towards our house. Then I noticed the police cruiser parked by it. And then the 3 firetrucks and district fire chief van directly in front of it. Now isn't that odd, I thought. And then the lightbulb finally came on as I realized they were putting out a fire at our neighbour's house. Living in a duplex, this made the fire that much more of an immediate concern for us. Luckily, there was no blazing inferno, just a small smoky greasefire started by none other than our very trashy, not-so-likeable neighbour(who of course was wearing a wife beater and track pants). I immediately thought about all the times I've wished they would suffer some kind of horrible death. But now the old cliche of 'be careful what you wish for' has me rethinking my curse... apparently, karma has an ironic sense of humour.

Moments ago in front of the Mach household:

Currently listening to: Tool - Prison Sex

Inspectors are handy

2007-07-24T00:08:00.000-06:00

Last Friday, we were out at Versacold, which is a federally regulated cold storage facility. As we pulled in, there was a spot designated "Government Inspector", with a nice sign posted in front of it. But you could also clearly see the handicap symbol painted on the concrete pad below the car. The respect we get is boundless...

Currently listening to: Interpol - Pioneer to the Falls

P.O'd. Times ten.

2007-06-30T12:15:00.000-06:00

Okay, now I'm PISSED!! Apparently, we missed a Modest Mouse show in PARIS on June 20th, which happens to be the only night we really had time to relax before we came home. DAMMMMIT!!! On top of that, they were playing at a venue called Elysees-Montmarte, which was literally a 4 minute walk from our hotel!! AAAGGGGHHHH!!!

Tip for any travellers who love live music: do your research before you go!

Currently listening to: The Good, The Bad, and The Queen - The Bunting Song

L'Origine du Monde

2007-06-27T16:33:00.000-06:00

Okay, so we're back from Paris. The trip was excellent, if a bit tiring from all the go go go sightseeing. I've posted some highlights on facebook. The Nikon worked out fantastic. I love it. I couldn't believe how big of a difference there is between a point & shoot vs. an SLR. You just have to test them both side by side to truly see. Unfortunately, facebook has a terrible compression ratio, so all the pics posted look like they were taken by a 2 yr old with Parkinson's. But seriously, if you're into photography at all, buy an SLR.

While we were at the Musee D'orsay, I discovered my new favouritest painting in the whole wide world, aptly entitled "L'origine du Monde", or Origin of the World for us Anglophones. Click here to see the pic (NSFW). I spent a few minutes trying to take a photograph of this, and am sure all the passerbys were thinking, "What a Pervert!" as I got right up good and close to it. And on another funny note, I had half a mind to seek out the Hilton hotel, just so I could say I'd been inside Paris Hilton. Then I realized how lame that was...

Currently listening to: Kings of Leon - Knocked Up

Another new toy

2007-06-06T23:15:00.000-06:00

T-minus 5 days till Paris.

A couple weeks ago, I convinced Anita that I NEEDED a new camera. You know, seeing as how our Canon SD800IS was approaching 6 months old. Somehow, I got her to see that a point and shoot was hindering the burgeoning shutterbug in me, and we sprang for a Nikon D40x DSLR. Now, I want to get a zoom lens that's gonna cost another 900 bones. God damn do I need to win the lottery.

Currently listening to: Peter, Bjorn, and John - Amsterdam

The ONESY

2007-04-12T16:49:00.000-06:00

I've always wanted to own a pair of 'onesy' pajamas - those full body one piece pj's with the sock/booties attached, and the trapdoor in the back for convenient access to, well, you know... I'd been searching high and low for these things forever with no luck when a colleague of mine happened to look them up on the internet and surprised me with them today! They're huge on me, but 'Large' was probably the only size that would've fit properly lengthwise. Best present ever!

Hat and pink gloves courtesy of said colleague.

Currently listening to: The Constantines - Goodbye Baby & Amen

Easter Sunday Rock Fix

2007-04-09T22:32:00.000-06:00

We saw the Constantines at the Hi-Fi club last night. The openers were Ladyhawk, which me missed (show started 2 hours sooner than we thought), and Jon Rae and the River (crap). The Constantines came on around 9:00pm (I don't care if it's Easter Sunday, you do NOT start a show at the Hi-Fi THAT EARLY!!!), and were finished their set by 10:30pm. Having said that, they still tore new holes in my eardrums with their rocktacular rockingness. What a great live band. The sub $5.00 beers were icing on the cake.

Currently listening to: Thom Yorke - The Eraser

Scrambles 2007: Heart Mountain

2007-04-01T21:16:00.000-06:00

I'd been jonesing for some altitude in the last few weeks, so I called up James to see if he wanted to try an early season scramble this weekend. I got my fix, and a small lesson in Karma.

Friday night around 10pm, we decide we'll take a crack at Heart Mountain. The plan: meet at McDix across from Olympic Park at 10:00 am sharp, grab brecky, and give'er. The reality: George receives a text message from James on Saturday morning at 9:30am "I'm gonna be late again... you still wanna do this?". Then at 10:32am - "Sorry dude, worst hiking partner ever!" Then while I'm watching him as he parks his car at McDix, 10:52am - "I'm in McDonald's parking lot." Okay, so we're an hour late. No biggie. Only, he comes in, sits down and announces that he just locked his keys in his car. WTF?!! We manage to score a wire coat hanger from the hotel next door, and James goes to town on his locked door. In the ensuing 25 minutes, this turns from 'rather humourous', to 'it's getting cold out' to 'just smash the damn window already', before James finally proclaims - SUCCESS!

Anyways, we finally get out to the mountains, and it's just dumping tons of snow. But the all balls, no brains factor kicks in and we head up anyways. Along the way we pass a few other adventurous hikers that failed to summit due to the snowy/ icy conditions (wussies). Knowing that we're probably the only 2 stupid enough to attempt the chimney to the summit is only more motivation to do so, and we eventually summit around 2:30pm. The view was shit (the entire summit was blanketed in cloud, fog, and snow), but scrambling icy rock was pretty exhilarating. Click on the thumbs below for larger pics.

Anyways, about that Karma. Well, while James was angrily cursing away at his door and coathanger, I was laughing my ass off the whole time. And wouldn't you know it, karma and its size 16 boot came and punted me in the ass today as I managed to lock my keys in my car (while the car was still running!!) at Ikea. Text message from James at 8:08pm - "hahahaha! RETARD!" Good times.

Currently listening to: Modest Mouse - Spitting Venom

Meteorology

2007-03-26T23:02:00.000-06:00

Apparently we're supposed to get 15cm of snow tonight. The only reason I know this is because everybody around here is bitching and whining about it as if God has personally taken it upon himself to wipe his ass on their morning toast. Yummy. No seriously, people that whine about weather need to get some perspective - it was pissing cats, dogs, and every other form of domesticated livestock in Vancouver last week. After walking around for 2 days in a dreary constant torrent there (work sent us), I was quickly reminded of why I hated living on the coast so much, and how much better our weather (although sometimes bitchingly cold) truly is. Sunshine baby, sunshine.

In other news, I can't work up the motivation to change this page layout. But I have added a 'latest movies' column at the bottom of my links. Complete with my very own Ebert and Roper style rating guide - Yay, Eh..., or Nay. Although I'm sure there are many who would disagree with my tastes and/ or ratings (Reign of Fire, anybody?).

Alrighty, tomorrow on the 'monkey - Are predators lurking in your neighbourhood? The story of how George was solicited at the gas station (TWICE!). Stay tuned!

Currently listening to: The Dudes - Don't Talk

Bored

2007-03-19T20:48:00.001-06:00

Things to do with your PSP...

Currently listening to: Raising The Fawn - The Matador

TWELVE FRICKING MINUTES?!!

2007-03-17T10:01:00.000-06:00

I tried in vain to get presale tix to Interpol on Wednesday morning (apparently, Ticketbastard's website works less than I do). And of course, by the time I got home from work, all the presale tix were snapped up. Suck. So then Friday morning, I log on to the site at 10:12am to buy 2 tix to said show, and am greeted by repeated There ARE NO TICKETS THAT MATCH YOUR REQUEST messages. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!! Interpol's show sold out in TWELVE FRICKING MINUTES?!! Luckily, I try again and again, and by some miracle of Buddha, manage to snap up 2. I'd be willing to bet that the only reason this happened is because some other unlucky bastard got a timeout error for taking more than 1 minute to fill out the forms on the site. Anyways, I try this a few more times over the course of the day to confirm, and amazingly, the show really has sold out. I cannot believe I got the last 2 tix. It's like winning the lottery... only, to claim your prize, you have to agree to be raped for $12 dollars per ticket in "convenience, facility, and processing charges". And in this week's edition of STUFF I HATE, Ticketmaster takes full honours.

Predator marching on the spot to a wicked air bass line being laid down by Alpha Male Stikfa. I'm not the only one excited about these tickets you know.

Currently listening to: Xiu Xiu <--top honours for ugliest website - Boy Soprano

Reading between the lines

2007-03-13T23:28:00.000-06:00

Okay, now for the real post - a lesson in why you should ALWAYS proofread anything you write. Last Friday, I returned to my little cube after lunch to find a handwritten note on my keyboard from my boss asking me to see him. Only, it actually read:

"George: Please me on your return."

I re-read it a few times, and finally thought to myself, well THAT isn't in my job description!

Currently listening to: The French Kicks - Also Ran

Antics Anticipation

2007-03-13T16:53:00.000-06:00

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INTERPOL is touring CANADA!!!! And they're gonna be playing new material from the album due this summer!!! Ticket pre-sale begins tomorrow at House of Blues! GET ON IT!!! I'm salivating like one of H.R. Giger's Aliens right now. MMMMGUUGUUHHHHHGHGH....

Okay, real post to come later tonight.

Currently listening to: Tokyo Police Club - Cheer It On

This movie SUCKS

2007-03-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

I caught an afternoon showing of The Number 23 today. It sucked. So much so, that I even made a point of NOT embedding a link to it in the previous sentence mentioning it. You may have stolen 2 hours of my life, but IN YER FACE #23. Yeah!!

No seriously, it sucked hard. It was like someone (ie: the shit script/ screenplay/ plot writer) tried to make an edge of your seat mystery thriller, with an eery numeric theme as the anchor for all the odd coincidences and events in the movie. Only, they made so many ridiculous attempts to link anything even remotely related to 23 seem like it was a coincidence that it took away that exact air of mystery they were gunning for. Jim Carrey turns 32 in the movie (32 is 23 reversed). OOOOOH. EEEERIE. This goes on and on and on in a 'hit you in the face with a hammer' fashion until even the kids in the "special" section of the theatre are catching a 23 in the flick every once in a while. We get it. Move ON with the plot. Problem is, every 23 that pops up, has actually little, or NOTHING to do with the plot - just merely random references to 23 to try and drum up suspense in place of a pitifully retarded story. Which (spoiler alert) involves a freaky dog that just shows up everywhere, a film noir detective story where Jim Carrey is a murderous Sherlock Holmes, and THEN the audience is asked to check their brains at the concession stand while Virginia Madsen's character decides to break into a psychiatric hospital late at night after a doctor kills himself in front of their family at the post office. What the EFF?! I'm NOT even making this up.

And if even despite having read all of the above, you still decide you must give your money to Joel Schumacher and Jim Carrey (see also, Batman Forever... actually, DON'T see it), fear NOT. I haven't even given away the plot twist (it's NOT a marauding alien force obsessed with calculators - although that would have made this movie semi-likeable). Jimbo needs to stick to farting noises, physical humour, and other slapstick comedy. And Joel Schumacher? He just needs to beaten with a frozen ham. 23 times.

Currently listening to: Ambulance Ltd - Sugar Pill

Role Reversal

2007-03-03T11:18:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with my dad recently that, after a few days of reflecting on it, has made me chuckle. I remember always getting lectures from him on how important academics and schooling was to being successful in life. Here's the irony: as part of his job's training program, he has undergone a series of classes and training sessions on workplace safety. I asked him how he managed to complete these classes and tests when he can barely spell his own name, let alone answer questions about WHMIS and MSDS sheets. His answer? Cheating, of course. Apparently, his literate coworkers would take the tests first, give him the answers, and he'd write them on his arm before taking his tests. And he said this with a huge grin on his face. Picturing this in my mind just makes me howl with laughter. Here we are, 5 years after I got my degree like he always wanted, and he's cheating on safety exams. I love it! I can't wait 'til he gets caught and I get to give him my disapproving stare and lecture him about school and success blah blah blah. The son becomes the father.

Currently listening to: The Good, The Bad, and The Queen - History Song

Year of the Pig

2007-02-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

Today is Chinese New Year's day. Usually, this is a rather boring day as we don't do much other than sit down for dinner and listen to my dad lecture us about staying in school, not doing drugs, saving your money, Newton's law of universal gravitation (er, maybe not that one), and other life lessons that frankly are no longer necessary (you know, both Joe and I being all growed up and what not). This year, however is slightly different. Since new year also coincides with Family Day this year, the whole fam-damily has converged at Hotel Mach. Anita's family being here in Calgary as well, and Anita's brother's girlfriend in town from Hong Kong, this weekend is turning into a binge eating affair, complete with visiting relatives and wishing everybody and their dogs good health and prosperity in the coming year. I might might might even for once get enough money from those red pockets to buy myself something other than a candy bar or two. Bring on the money giving relatives!

Currently listening to: Mew - The Zoo Keeper's Boy

Cool to be Cold

2007-02-12T22:28:00.000-07:00

It was a testicle reascending minus 600 degrees or so this afternoon. I don't care if Claire Martin says it was only -25 with windchill. I had to take the bus home from work, and waiting an extra 20 minutes without any shelter cause I missed the first bus felt much closer to MY estimate of the weather than a balmy minus 25. I was fully decked out in my winter coat, toque, gloves, and hood. And still freezing my ass. I don't even want to imagine what the stupid kid standing beside me was feeling. He didn't even have his jacket zipped up, let alone wear gloves or toque. Clearly, protecting yourself from the elements is reserved for us uncool grown up folks. Were we ever that stupidly vain as teenagers, or have they generally gotten dumber with each successive generation?

Ooooh! Apparently Damon Albarn will be on The Hour tonight with Strombo. Blur? Eh... Gorillaz? Cool. The Good, The Bad, and The Queen? KICKASS!! Albarn is brilliant.

Currently listening to: Brand New - You Won't Know

Excuses galore

2007-02-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

I was politely reminded by a few people that I'd been neglecting this blog. I assure you, I am very aware that it has been 2 months since I posted. My excuse for tonight is cause we just got an iPod (30gb black) so ripping CD's and generally playing with this new toy takes priority. Tomorrow's excuse will probably involve our modded DS Lite and the oh so addictive Elite Beat Agents (basically a stylus based spin on those Dance Dance Revolution games). The day after that will probably be due to me being hooked on Loco Roco on the PSP.

Eventually though, I will bore of these toys, and I will post something worthy of your attention.

Currently listening to: Band of Horses - Funeral

Mindless ramble

2006-11-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

I was reading about portmanteaus recently, and thinking how common these words are sprinkled in our everyday language. Chinglish, Craptacular, Ebonics, Wikipedia... all portmanteaus. Then today, I saw the word therapist written somewhere, and saw it as a portmanteau as well. heh. The rapist.

Kinda reminded me of that episode of Arrested Development where Tobias said he was both an analyst AND a therapist. In fact he was quite sure he was the world's first 'a-null-ru-pist' (which of course was spelled analrapist on his business card). Some funny shit. Thanks Fox. You suck.

I just finished reading Wil Wheaton's Just a Geek. Pretty interesting to read about his struggles to escape the Trek shadow. And there's some funny stuff in there too. Near the end, he tells of a debate he has with his Wil Wheaton action figure. Come on. That's funny. Imagine you had an action figure of yourself, were talking to it, and it trashed talked you into submission. Gold.

So Anita and I leave next Wednesday for Macau. I'm pretty stoked about a few things: 1) NOT being on call for work anymore (despite the wicked O/T), 2) authentic PEKING DUCK!!! and oh yeah, 3) everything Chairman Mao. I even got a hold of Nate, who is evading the Canadian taxman and student loan collector by hiding out just south of Shanghai. Doubtful that we'll actually have a chance to visit him, but who knows.

Okay, this post is totally going nowhere. If I don't talk to you guys beforehand, uh... happy Christmas! I get back New Year's Eve, but late at night, so I'll be jetlagged like a mofo and will likely miss out on all the action.

Currently listening to: Bloc Party - Two More Years